Supporting children in their grief journey
Explaining the death of a sibling or loved one to children can be very difficult for parents and carers. People feel unsure what to say, how to explain what’s happened to children and how much to tell them. Children grieve in their own way, and even very young children who may not fully understand what has happened, will sense that things have changed.
It’s important that children be told about the death as soon as possible, ideally by someone they are close to. Children often have more understanding than adults expect, and providing very clear and simple information is best. They can then ask questions when they are ready, and at a level of understanding they feel comfortable with.
Your own intense grief may leave you temporarily unable to provide emotional support for your children. This is completely understandable and it is important that you receive support and look after yourself, which in turn can help you support your children. Perhaps for a time, a close friend or family member that your child feels comfortable with, could step in to give the extra care, time and attention they need.
Don’t be afraid to show your own emotion in front of a child. It gives your children permission to do the same.
What not to say
There are many different ways of describing death, and although adults may understand what they mean, children can become confused and get upset. Using simple, clear and consistent language between everyone who Try to avoid phrases such as:
- ‘Gone to sleep’. The child may wonder if and when they will wake up, or become fearful of sleeping themselves.
- ‘We have lost…’. This can become confused with the idea of losing and finding something. The child may think they can find the person again if they search hard enough, or may fear themselves becoming lost.
- ‘They have become a star’. This can be confusing and children may ask difficult questions to try and understand. Which star? Why have they done this? Can I become a star? Why can’t I see the star?
- ‘The doctor has taken them away’. The child may not understand where the person has gone and if they will return. They may become scared of the doctors themselves.
- ‘They’ve gone to a better place’. The child may be upset that they haven’t gone to a better place, and why they are in their current place.
How children grieve
Children often deal with bereavement differently to adults. Your child may get upset at the attention going to the person who has died, or feel the death is somehow their fault. Their behaviour may change. They could become clingy, sad or withdrawn, unable to concentrate, and they may bed wet. Although this behaviour is normal, if these problems persist, your child may benefit from some specialist help.
Supporting your child
If you have children at school, it is a good idea to tell the teachers there has been a death in the family, and also let the staff know exactly what the child has been told. They can then let you know if they spot any behaviour changes, tell you if the child asks them any questions and mirror the same language and explanations you have given.
In some schools they are able to offer emotional support to their students in the form of talking or Art therapy. All schools will have a staffed quiet space where they will be happy to support your child if the school day gets a little too much.
Other voluntary and community sector services are available to help you and your child through their grief. You can read about some of them here, or speak to our support team if you need some different advice.
Helping children remember the person they have lost
Children may benefit from opportunities to remember the person that has died. Birthdays or anniversaries can be difficult, but can also be planned with the child and other family and friends, to help make the day more special and manageable. You can do things like lighting candles, holding events, meeting others and sharing memories.
Memory books and boxes containing items, memories and photos can help everyone to remember through their grief. Children may want to add their own pictures or writing.
They may like to keep items that belonged to the person who died, particularly if it’s something you know they liked or associated with the person.
Sometimes it can help children and the wider family and friends to get involved in fundraising. You can see our fundraising events here, or contact the fundraising team on 0333 405 6274 or fundraising@meningitis.org.